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Talk to the Snail, by Stephen Clarke

Posted: Sun Apr 15, 2007 12:07 pm
by Wizard of Oz
talk to the SNAIL. TEN COMMANDMENTS for UNDERSTANDING the FRENCH. Stephen Clarke, Random House Australia P/L

The dedication is simple and to the point, To the French, with my sincerest apologies. Stephen Clarke is an ex-pat Brit living and working in Paris as a journalist .. his Ten Commandments take us across the gamut of everything you will need to know to converse, understand, socialise and make love to a French person ..
  1. Thou Shalt Be Wrong (if you're not French) - Why every Frenchman is "Monsieur Right"."
  2. Thou Shalt Not Work - Why long weekends are good for the French economy.
  3. Thou Shalt Eat - Just because it smells of pig's droppings doesn't mean it will taste like them.
  4. Thou Shalt Be Ill - Getting the best out of the French national drug habit.
  5. Thou Shalt Speak French - Fun ways to mispronounce words and offend people.
  6. Thou Shalt Not Sing (in tune, anyway) - A french artiste says: "Pretentious, moi?"
  7. Thou Shalt Not Know - Don't mention the war, nuclear power, tax or structural surveys.
  8. Thou Shalt Not Love Thy Neighbour - Oui, I am smoking into your dinner, et alors?
  9. Thou Shalt Not Be Served - Garçon? Waiter? Bonjour? Oh , forget it.
  10. Thou Shalt Be Polite (and simultaneously rude) - Bonjour, Madame, vous êtes une idiote.
  11. Thou Shalt Say "I Love You" - The perils of French-style amour
.. now straight away you will notice that there are 11 Commandments BUT as the author notes .. Surely you didn't think you could fit a nation as fascinating and complex as the French into just ten commandments, did you? Merde alors! ..

.. the book is a brilliantly funny read and I now feel that I will be able to face the French during the Rugby World Cup in October with confidence and the knowledge of how to get a feed, a fight, and fellatio in French ..

M WoZ d'Aus 15/04/07

Talk to the Snail, by Stephen Clarke

Posted: Sun Apr 15, 2007 2:13 pm
by Shelley
Magnifique! J' aime mieux le commandment numero trois. Outright rire longtemps! (Now, will someone who really knows French please tell me what I said?)

Talk to the Snail, by Stephen Clarke

Posted: Thu May 03, 2007 12:05 am
by coxie
My guess is, for a long time you have loved pig's droppings.

Talk to the Snail, by Stephen Clarke

Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 9:59 pm
by Edwin Ashworth
Your uncle's armchair is in the pig-pen of your aunt?

Talk to the Snail, by Stephen Clarke

Posted: Tue Aug 28, 2007 2:47 pm
by tony h
Thanks Woz for a good read; France is always good for a humourous anecdote and some remarkably clever solutions to problems.