How not to butter up a pal

[Erik_Kowal]

Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit, and they remained friends until Benny died. One day, they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread.

"I like butter on my bread," he said. "But my diet strictly forbids it. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do."

"Jack," Burns said, "don't be ridiculous. You're a grown man. You should be able to decide whether to butter your own bread without your wife's help."

"You're right," agreed Benny. "I'll just have the butter, that's all."

When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns waved towards Benny and said, "He's paying."

"What?" said Benny. "Why should I have to pay the whole bill?"

"Because if you don't," replied Burns, "I'll tell Mary about the butter."