Quota management in Paradise

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Quota management in Paradise

Post by Erik_Kowal » Thu Aug 18, 2005 5:48 am

One day, three men stood in line to get into Heaven. However, an afternoon gas explosion in a nunnery had made for an unusually busy day at the Pearly Gates, so St Peter told the first man, "Heaven's getting pretty close to its quota for today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had to endure particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

“Well,” replied the other fellow, “for a while I'd been suspecting that my wife was cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I entered my 25th-floor apartment, I just knew something was wrong, but despite searching diligently I could not uncover the hiding-place of this other guy. Finally I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this dude hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started hitting and kicking him. But wouldn't you know it, he just wouldn't let go! So I finally went back into the apartment, got a hammer, and starting bashing away at his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he finally let go his grip and fell – but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes at the bottom, stunned but intact. At this point I went berserk. I ran into the kitchen, dragged out the fridge and tipped it over the edge of the balcony, and it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I suffered a heart attack and died right there on the balcony."

"That certainly sounds like a pretty bad deal to me," said St Peter, raising an eyebrow, and let the man inside the gates.

The second man came up to speak to St Peter, who repeated his preamble and his request for the deceased man’s final story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on the balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped on the condensation or something, because I ended up somersaulting over the parapet. But I got lucky, and as I fell I caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. Well, I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, but suddenly this other guy burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when instead he started beating and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment, grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally, of course, I just had to let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but basically OK. No sooner was I thinking that everything would turn out all right in the end and I was going to live after all, when this refrigerator came falling out of the sky and crushed me in an instant. So here I am."

Once again, St Peter conceded that this sounded like a pretty dreadful death.

The third man came to the front of the line, where St Peter repeated the words he had uttered to the other two men.

"Picture this," said number three, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
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